Friday, January 9, 2009

Battle.blog - "I thought they would have more"

After a holiday offseason, I'm back on Battle.net, striving for my ten wins. With Blizzard poised to release Starcraft II (Vol. 1) whenever they damn well please, I have anywhere from one week to 20 months to accomplish this loftier-than-I-thought-it-would-be goal. Since it's been a while, I'll give you a brief recap. I'm currently 1-5, that's one victory and five pretty thorough defeats.

But I'm back on the wagon now and hoping for the best.

I choose Protoss this time, thinking my previous experiences have best prepared me to command this lumbering tank of a race. In a nice turn of fortune, I'm teamed with two Zerg players. Their speed would offset the time I'd need to field an army, and I hoped they'd be competent to boot. Unfortunately my enemies, my wish came true.

Four full minutes pass before one of our enemies makes his presence known. By this time, my allies have scouted and discovered that we're up against a Terran, Zerg, and Protoss team. This military chimera posed a serious threat, so we'd have to watch our step. As I was saying, four minutes go by, and two zerglings show up at my base. Two. What did they think they were doing? Trick-or-treating? My zealots, who'd been watching their Dolemite, promptly murdered the little buggers, humming 70s acid jazz as they did so.

Another four minutes of silence go by. Watching their bases, it seems as if my allies Yellow and Blue are doing nothing - much like our enemies appear to be doing. I'm stretching my legs, feeling like a competent commander - amassing troops, building structures at choke points, not wasting my money on upgrades. To my surprise, a squad of mutalisks hatches at Blue's base. He sends them after Purple (our Zerg enemy) and then White (our Terran enemy), attacking their resource-gatherers. Both he and Yellow were rushing to create the winged beasts, eschewing a ground army - no doubt they assumed I would handle it. Thankfully, I was up to the task.

We coordinate a second attack on Purple. His expansion base collapses under the weight of our assault, my shock troops running through debris while Blue and Yellow mutalisks fly through the air. Eventually, Purple's allies arrive, saving the day and defeating our invasion force. Well, save for two of my zealots, who had somehow managed to hide in Purple's mineral field (Thank you, AI!). Once I realize they're still alive, I set them loose on Purple's drones, further crippling his resource gathering. I imagine they're Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson or Danny Glover and Mel Gibson, buddies caught behind enemy lines causing as much damage as they can. But they'll see no sequel; Purple promptly cuts them down.

Our opponents launch a full-scale assault on Blue. Yellow, able to field a full wing of mutalisks at the drop of a hat, flies in and saves the day. I vow to give him the MVP award when this is all over. While my friends watch eachother's backs, I construct two carriers, giant flying beehives full of tiny little ships that swarm the enemy into submission. With our enemy reeling from their failed offensive, we relaunch for Purple's base. The combined might of our armies (see screenshot) eradicates Purple from the map. Then we focus our crosshairs on White.

At this point, the game is locked up. White's wall of missile turrets cannot focus on all of the interceptors emerging from my carriers' bellies. The towers are razed, vainly throwing darts into a locust swarm. Blue's new ground troops slaughter the marines while Yellow goes after the structures. "i thought they would have more," says Yellow, unimpressed. "o balls" cries Blue. Teal, the quiet Protoss enemy, had dropped a squad of reavers in Blue's base. Reaver dropping someone's base is like injecting them with a violent bacterium: these robotic worms began eating Blue's base from the inside out. With White eliminated, Yellow and I rush to the rescue. The last reaver explodes, and Teal surrenders. We'd won. Had it really been that easy? We thought they'd have more.

RECORD: 2-6

EDIT: As Jay was quick to point out in a recent comment, I neglected to mention a brief loss I suffered prior to this victory. Rest assured it took me no longer than 3 minutes to be reduced to space dust. I figured I'd spare you all the monotony of it.