Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Following 50 Cent is like Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

While I was waiting my turn in the interminable Quake Live queue, I started rummaging through industry news and one name kept cropping up: 50 Cent.
Here’s what I know about 50 Cent.  His breakthrough single “In da Club” was a hit at my junior prom.  He once conducted the Vitamin Water orchestra.  And he starred in an awful but million-copy-selling videogame: 50 Cent: Bulletproof.
Today, I learned (thanks to MTV) that the sequel – 50 Cent: Blood in the Sand – “dropped” this week.  Let me give you a plot synopsis based on the headache inducing things I’ve read about this game. 
Fitty (I don’t like it when articles call him “50,” it gets confusing) and his friends, the G-Unit, tour a fictional Middle Eastern country (because they love rap over there).  Instead of being paid a cool ten mil, he “is offered a diamond-embedded skull of legends.” (Wiki)  It gets stolen, and he’s going to fight some thugs to retrieve it.  SPOILER ALERT: I bet he gets it back from aliens.
Okay, so that’s just a little ridiculous.  But there’s more.  Fitty came up with said crystal diamond skull after reading about this, whose creator said “if it looked like bling — tacky, garish and over the top — we would have failed.”  Consider your work an ART FAIL, sir, since Fitty, Lord of the Bling, is after your skull.
Oh, but the rabbit hole goes even deeper.  Fitty is optioning the film rights to Gene’s favorite GTA-clone, Saint’s Row.  Please tell me they bring in Uwe Boll to direct.