Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dear Snipers, Fuck Off and Die. Love, Boivin.

When I was a young man, I played Team Fortress Classic; when I was a somewhat less young man I played Halo; and now that I am a man man, I put away childish things and spend the majority of my free time playing Call of Duty: World at War.

Over my many years of shooting from a first person perspective, two things have remained constant: (1) I tend to end the match with both most kills and most deaths as my play style could best be described as "berserker" and (2) I hate snipers. I don't mean I hate sniper rifles or I hate the sniper play style (well, I do), I literally mean I hate the people sitting on their couch, consciously choosing to hide somewhere and shoot me from afar. I hate them.

People will complain about many things in FPSes: glitches, unbalanced weapons, shitty stories ripped off from much better sci-fi movies etc. It's hard to place blame for these things, no faces or names, but with the sniper, there is a human element: a human element of pure hatred.

I can't be alone in this sentiment. Someone out there in the near-infinite legions of gamers must share the same sentiment. Now, you're probably saying out loud to your computer screen at this moment: "Boivin, sniping is a perfectly normal part of the game, you can't hate people for playing to win!" to which I will say "Fuck you, man! You're part of the problem!" In the realm of the FPS, sniping is tantamount to war crimes: anyone who doesn't come out against them should be tried as an accomplice. As far as I'm concerned, sniper apologists are equivalent to Hermann Göring (Godwin's Law doesn't count when a statement is valid).

To me, a good deathmatch is about going toe-to-toe with your enemy, dodging a constant stream of bullets, chucking the odd grenade, aiming for the head in the heat of the moment. I'm too busy having fun to worry about getting shot by somebody I can't see. Looking at the post-mortem kill cam, I see my death from the dispatcher's point of view: how could that be fun? Sitting there, waiting for me and my teammates to haplessly wander into your sights so you can put one in my brain? SIGN. ME. UP. I'm really glad I'm playing a video game of this than talking to a girl/multiple girls.

Here's a few good cinematic examples of sniper hate. You see Saving Private Ryan? Of course you have, you're Americans (on second thought, this is the internet)! Do you like Vin Diesel? Of course you do, you're Americans (or at least people from some democratic state, he does have international appeal after all)! Well remember what killed him in that movie? A SNIPER! And he was just trying to save that little French girl...Did you ever see Phone Booth? That movie sucked and that's with having Kiefer in it, damn hard to do. Did you see Shooter? Probably would have been better if Marky Mark was running around shooting people with a PPSh instead of camping like a bitch.

Basically, the point of this post is just because you're technically allowed to do something, that doesn't mean you should.