Friday, March 27, 2009

Ten Games That You Should Never, Ever Buy, Part 1

Okay, we all know that anyone who buys games like Superman 64 and Shaq Fu needs to be institutionalized, there are a few games that look awesome but are actually rancid piles of filth. These maritime war crimes are:

10) Braid: Hey, it turns out that Super Mario Brothers didn’t need a pretentious, faux-artistic doppelganger. Actually, SMB needed that about as much as I needed the liver cirrhosis I got from drinking myself into a coma after playing this turd.

9) Fable 2: I was going to do a Your Game Sucks article on this, then I realized that I was simply typing “thisgameiscrapthisgameiscrapthisgameiscrap” over and over. This is one of those games that everyone thinks is awesome because of all the “choices”, then they realize that there are only two viable options in every choice bracket and they’re always polar opposites. Essentially, the game boils down to choosing between “I’m a retard” and “I’m an asshole”. Great.

8) Street Fighter IV: The Uncanny Valley called. It wants you to stay 50 yards away at all times ‘cuz you’re creeping it the hell out.

7) Halo Wars: I’m not even sure where to start here. It’s Halo, so it automatically sucks. But then there’s the Starcraft rip-off aspect, which is honestly so bad that it’s almost poetic, like watching a flock of doves explode in mid-flight. I truly thought that screwing up a derivative product this badly was reserved for Uwe Boll.

6) Grand Theft Auto IV: “Hey Nico, want to see some stoopeed play mechaneeks?”

Well, that’s it for today, but tune in tomorrow when I finish this terrible list!