Friday, March 20, 2009

Ten Games That You Should Never, Ever Buy, Part 2

And we’re back with the cream of the crop! And by “cream”, I of course mean “turds”.

5) Mega Man 9: When your claim to fame is that you’re so hard that no one will touch you,  it’s time to either stop trying or get checked out for priapism.

4) Pokemon Platinum: Okay, it is really, REALLY time for Nintendo to stop milking this franchise. We already have Pokemon in every precious stone and metal, and we’re approaching the point at which colors will be meaningless. You laugh now, but I guarantee you that in 3 years you’ll be slapping down 30+ bucks to buy Pokemon Ultraviolet and Pokemon Infrared.

3) Little Big Planet: Did I stumble into some dumb child’s nightmare? This game both looks and plays like it wants to punish you for bullying its friends. There’s nothing about this thing that can’t be found better in other places. This game is a work-in-progress that somehow managed to get pressed into a disc.

2) Wanted: Weapons of Fate: Oh, this is great: a game based on a film adaptation of a comic book. Let’s follow this pain train all the way back to the station. Oh wait, we can’t, because that station’s been closed by the FCC for insinuating rape. Okay, let’s back up a little bit more and…oh, there are copyright infringement suits pending? Okay, let’s just go to the station where this game is a bizarrely horrible attempt at a first-person shooter version of a mediocre franchise that’s had all its grit whitewashed by the people who adapted the damn thing in the first place.

1) Watchmen: The End is Nigh: Oh boy. Ohhhh boy. Okay, Watchmen. Let’s have a look. First, the game is based on exploits that are merely recapped in the comic and barely even glossed over in the movie. This is inexcusable, considering that the game is more movie-based than comic-based. So essentially, we have a game that’s a retelling of a retelling of a retelling of a recap. It’s detailing exploits that were barely addressed in the movie, which was basically a compression of a comic in which these exploits were just referenced but never actually depicted. This game is the digital equivalent of a story told in fifth person. Hell, every level should begin with “So I heard from this guy who knew someone who saw…”.

Yeah, I know: this blog just hurt your delicate nerd pride; all I can say is, “let the hate mail commence”. Just remember to address all hate mail to me,