Friday, March 13, 2009

Your Game Sucks: Killzone 2

Well, the good news is that this one’s going to be short. I mean seriously, a first-person shooter with a sci-fi theme? My God, people; I’d use the “shooting fish in a barrel” analogy if that activity weren’t actually harder than faulting this game. As it stands, finding fault with Killzone 2 is kind of like finding the sun in the middle of the afternoon.

Let’s start with the premise, shall we? I’m not sure if the word “derivative” can fully describe this game, so instead let’s use the words “carbon f-ing copy”. Yeah, I like that. It just rolls off the tongue (or keyboard, as is the case). This game is a carbon f-ing copy of the Halo series in pretty much every respect. In fact, let’s play a game: I’ll write a sentence from the wikipedia description of either Killzone 2 or Halo 3, and you guess whether it’s from one game or the other. Most of the names have been replaced by more ad-libbed descriptions to prevent cheating. Tally up your score at the end of the article and see if you’ve won a prize! For legal purposes, the prize in this game is defined as “not being retarded”:

“During the invasion of Mom’s Pantry, Dave Chapelle's unit is deployed behind enemy lines to assist the main invasion force. Tasked with securing the enemy capital of Animal House, the team quickly discovers that the aliens are a more formidable enemy on their home planet.”

“Arriving on the new Boob, Jennifer Lopez warns that the president is trying to rebuild itself on the ring from The Ring. Spanky, Leeroy Jenkins, and Doug E. Fresh make their way to the control room, where they will activate Ruby weapon.”

“During their journey, zombies arrive en masse on the former Autobot City Man, I’m totally like, High, Charity, and begin infesting the installation. While attempting to gain access to the pirate’s Control Room, Leeroy is captured by (Insert abstract idea here); the robot needs a Chuck Norris to utilize the 2007 meme technology.”

“Worn and torn from all the occurrences, Fry leaves the palace and sits outside the palace entrance. He sees an overwhelmingly giant McDonald’s fleet destroying what is left of the common sense fleet and sees first hand what George Bush envisioned. With the common sense invasion in shambles and with the re-strengthened chick from Firefly still in possession of nuclear weapons, the war is far from over.”

“The robot has the harpoon gun loaded and facing the beast's heart. The space ninjas ask what he is waiting for and the man simply responds "about three more days, give or take a day or two".”

1) Killzone 2; 2) Halo 3; 3) Halo3; 4) Killzone 2; 5) Trick question! It was from Jeepers Creepers 2.

I really can’t stress how much I hope that none of you dear readers knew enough about either game to distinguish any one quote from the others. Honestly, the only people who won my little game are the ones who totally skipped over it or failed miserably. If you’ve invested time in either series, I implore you to stop. Breathe for a moment, then close whatever browser has the hateful response to this column in it. Now, I want you to walk over to a cabinet and find the most volatile substance you can, and use it to light your game systems on fire. Really, you shouldn’t be playing with them.