Saturday, April 11, 2009

Mario: Nintendo’s First Survival Horror Hero

The following conversation with Rob was transcribed last Thursday. Some of the finer points have been lost, but I believe the message is still there.

*Cough cough* Dude, what’d you say this was again? Damn, bruh, this is some ill shit!

Huh? Talk about Super Mario again? Aight, check it: that dude was, like, the first – the first – survival horror star. Naw, forreal. Check this out: Mario’s just chillin, cleanin’ some pipes and shit, right? And then – BAM! Homeboy gets warped into some ill shit, like some mushrooms and turtles shit. And he don’t got nothin’, right? I mean, it’s just this little dude runnin’ around tryin’ not to get eaten by giant mushrooms. And then there’s the never-ending pits! Little dude tries to jump over something, right, but he misses, and now he’s fallin’ forever like in some ill Eminem joint. “I feel like I’m fallin’ forever…” you know that joint.

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And plus, you get like two minutes to get little dude from one place to the next, or homeboy just flat out dies. Like, dead and gone, knaamean? Plus, homeboy is out by himself, knaamean?

Oh, I said that already? My bad. But still, homeboy starts off with nothin’, and sometimes he gets a mushroom. If he’s lucky. And in the right spot. Okay, yeah, boy gets some fireballs too, but one hit and he’s done wit’ that. And there was this one level where this dude started droppin’ shit on Mario, right, and then it would turn into spiky monsters! THAT IS SOME ILL SHIT! I don’t care who you are, you gonna have some PTSD after that, knaamean? Gonna have to see a therapist.

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That is fucked UP, G!

And I didn’t even mention the crazy-ass chick that homeboy is goin’ after. Look…naw, forreal…Mario goes after this broad and then he gets to this dark-ass dungeon, and he kills some giant turtle, and then the girl ain’t even there! All you get is some mushroom sayin’ the princess is in another castle.

So why do it? Why go through all that? That’s just it: we never really find out, knaamean? Mario just ended up in some pipe world, and then dudes were all like “go save our princess” and he was like “okay” but they keep SCREWING with him! Why didn’t they just put him at the end of world 8 instead of makin’ him go through all hell just to find some dumbass mushroom?

Because, dog: Mario was in a survival horror world. That whole place was built to terrorize him. Like, I bet he was scared of mushrooms and turtles, and that’s why those are the only things you find in the world. I’m tellin’ you, dog. That whole game was his nightmare.

Rob passed out before I could question him any further, but his point was quite clear. And I must say, I agree.