Thursday, April 2, 2009

team suck v. resident evil 5: round 3, the king of pop edition

always a snappy dresser That pony thing was fun, wasn’t it?

Anyone close to me will be able to tell you that I’ve been acting… strangely recently. Obsessive and crazed, and completely unable to stop listening to Michael Jackson. Before now, I’ve never been a fan, and his bizarre personal life kept me away from listening to anything he made – not anymore! Now I am intimately familiar with his catalog, and as you know I am quite fond of playing games to music that didn’t come with them. It was only a matter of time before the two collided.

Yes, my iTunes library, once composed almost entirely of homogenous alt-rock and 90s music, now groans under the weight of Jackson’s collected discography. Perhaps because I am trying to make my Jackson phase as annoying as possible to as many people as I can, I decided to bring it to Resident Evil and my good friend and fellow Team Suck member, Robbie Kunzig III. He was not thrilled about this prospect, even though I suggested to him that the game was basically just an interactive version of the “Thriller” video. Thriller night, indeed.

We were being chased across the African savannah by yelling zombies on trucks. They were throwing things, which were exploding. What those hapless zombies didn’t know is that they were blowing us up to the strains of “Smooth Criminal.” Zombies are you okay, are you okay zombies? I said that to Rob – having been forewarned about this whole Michael Jackson thing, he was already ignoring my hilarious jokes.

We blew up a blockade to the strains of “Billie Jean” and continued on our way, killing zombies all the way – it didn’t matter whether they were “Black or White,” though the balance definitely shifted toward the former during this play session. We shot them up, leaving their “Blood on the Dance Floor,” and then we “Beat It.”

There was also a giant Lord of the Rings ogre with a giant shiny bug thing living inside it – oh no, horror of horrors! Like previous bosses, it was more flash than fiend, and it was easily dispatched, though I still wanted it to “Leave Me Alone.”  Truly, this game is “Off the Wall.”

At this point, I was fairly sure I was driving Rob insane, but I just can’t resist a good “Jam.”

I’m at the point where the game has me hooked – I can’t stop ‘til I get enough! So we commenced the driving-around-in-a-motorboat phase that ever action game has shoehorned in since Half Life 2. Here, we found some baddies who Rob affectionately dubbed “ooga boogas,” because of the, er, somewhat insensitive way in which they were portrayed. Judging from the way they trampled us underfoot, it was clear that they wanted to be starting something. We concluded that they were “Dangerous,” and there was not a P.Y.T. among them.

This wave of zombies was pretty “Bad,” but we persevered – it is, after all, '”Human Nature.” But more than an hour of both playing the game and listening to me listening to Michael Jackson left Rob unwilling to do more, and since I had exhausted my A-material I was willing to call it quits for the night as well. So ends my great experiment.

I was honestly hoping that this would help get the whole Michael Jackson thing out of my system – I seriously can’t stop listening, even though some of Jackson’s vocal flourishes and breathy noises are starting to annoy me. The first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem, after all – I’m sure I’ll be back to a steady diet of Pearl Jam and the Long Winters in no time, thanks to Resident Evil 5 and Team Suck. Who said video games never helped anyone?!