Friday, May 8, 2009

Damn, Your Game Must’ve SUCKED

So…yeah. 3d Realms went under. My biggest question at this juncture is: why now, exactly? What specific event precipitated the egress of the company who failed to bring us Duke Nukem Forever for over a decade? Couldn’t we have just fired these guys like, nine years ago and spared the internet the unending turdstorm of retardation that this news has wrought?

Many people attribute this to the current economic climate. To them I say: shut up. 3d Realms and their development of Duke Nukem Forever survived the layoffs of Reaganomics; they survived the Iraq war, both the original and all four sequels, including the invisible one. Hell, I’m pretty sure Duke Nukem Forever survived the Great Depression. Duke Nukem was the final animal on the Ark, beating out the triceratops by mere seconds. It’s an old friggin’ game is what I’m trying to say, here. It’s had a great run, and it’s still top contender for the coveted “Chinese Democracy” award at the next Gameys (an award show I just made up), but it’s time to take this game out back and give it the Old Yeller Special. Maybe 3d Realms should’ve checked on the game back when Prince’s classic “Party Like It’s 1999” was still relevant. Hell, maybe they should’ve assessed the game’s progress back when Will Smith’s “Willenium” was still…wait, that was never relevant.

The point is, we’ve heard news and rumors of this game’s development since before some of us hit puberty. Those people now have children of their own, and those children have been waiting for the game to drop for about four years.

My malfunctioning prophylactics aside, this news really should not be as big as it is. These assholes have been producing Duke Nukem spinoffs every year since announcing Forever. It’s not exactly like they were powerhouse developers with a brilliant vision. Let’s just send them off with the dignity and grace with which we sent off Acclaim.

Oh wait, they’re not cancelling the project? Great.