Monday, October 19, 2009

Bald Mountain Night 18: Psycho

Each day in October, intrepid blogger Alex Boivin will watch a horror movie. These movies are all new to him and are part of his month-long effort to fill in his gaps in the horror canon. If he doesn't die from fright, you just might get to read about about his exploits in cinema during the Halloween season.

The following recording was discovered in the late Alex Boivin's personal effects in October of 2009. Boivin, suffering from crippling bouts of paranoia, apparently had been making records of his conversations in the event of his untimely death. His disappearance earlier in the year had prompted a nationwide hunt for his whereabouts and possible remains. The encounter recorded here eventually led to capture of his alleged murderer, Jordan R. Pedersen- his onetime college roommate.

1 September 2008, Kenyon College, Gambier, Ohio- 10:14 AM

Boivin: Hey, Jordan! Looks like our room is finally coming together! I see you've put a Psycho poster up!

Pedersen: Yeah. Neat, huh? It's like one of my favorite movies. I see you have the Goonies above your desk.

B: Yeah, I figured it was just a fun one to have up. Plus, Josh Brolin's son goes to school here so, you know, it's fun.

P: If you were looking to put up a poster of famous Kenyon-related people, why Josh Brolin? Why not get a Paul Newman poster? He actually went here.

B: I'm waiting for him to die. Putting one up now might jinx him.

P: Ah, true. True. You could always get one from an Allison Janney movie.

B: Like How to Deal?

P: I see your point.

B: I like yours though.

P: Yeah, look at Janet Leigh looking all hot up there.

B: Yes. A classic beauty.

P: I just remembered that her granddaughter is in our class. What a coincidence! We both have relatives of Kenyon on our respective walls!

B: Ha! Wouldn't it be awkward if one of us brought her back here and she saw it?

P: That's not likely to happen: we're both terribly ugly men.

(26 seconds of silence)

P: Have you ever seen Psycho?

B: No, actually. It's on my big list of mo...

P: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

(indistinct sound of objects being tossed around the room)

B: Suffering Jesus! Calm down!

P: I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN PSYCHO?

B: It's just one of those movies that is so ingrained in American culture that I feel like I've seen it without having actually ever sat down and watched it! Besides, I went on the ride or whatever at Universal Studios.

P: NO EXCUSES, CUR!

(slap)

B: OW!

P: PSYCHO IS ONE OF THE BEST FILMS OF THE 20TH CENTURY! IT IS BASICALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BIRTH OF THE MODERN THRILLER, NOT TO MENTION THE SLASHER SUBGENRE!

B: I mean, I really want to see it but there are just so many other movies I need to see first!

P: LIKE WHAT? WHAT IS AT THE TOP OF YOUR NETFLIX QUEUE RIGHT NOW?

B: The Name of the Rose?

P: OKAY, THAT"S PRETTY GOOD. BUT ANYWAY, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!

B: It's got a low priority because they show that damn shower scene on TV every Halloween like a hundred times! And I already know the twist! It was Norman Bates pretending to be his mom the whole time!

P: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH AND DARTH VADER IS LUKE SKYWALKER'S FATHER! IT DOESN'T MATTER! WHAT ABOUT THE AMAZING PLOTTING! OR THE FACT THAT IT REALLY THROWS YOU FOR A RIDE BY BUILDING UP JANET LEIGH'S MARION CRANE CHARACTER BEFORE KILLING HER OFF A HALF AN HOUR INTO THE MOVIE AND FOCUSING ON ENTIRELY DIFFERENT CHARACTERS FOR THE REST!

B: Okay, that sounds pretty cool, actually. And I like the Hitchcock movies I've seen.

P: WHICH HITCHCOCK MOVIES HAVE YOU SEEN?

B: Vertigo, Marnie. Maybe half of North By Northwest...

P: HOW DO YOU SEE HALF OF NORTH BY NORTHWEST?

B: I don't know. I was young, I must have fallen asleep or...

(sound of Boivin being kicked in the testicles)

B: My testicles!

P: YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH PSYCHO THIS OCTOBER! JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN!

B: I can't promise you that! I have plans to watch a horror movie every day in October 2009. Maybe then?

P: NEXT YEAR THEN!

B: I swear to God!

P: SWEAR TO ME!

B: I swear to you, Jordan!

P: ONE MORE THING!

B: What? My testicles still hurt...

(sound of Boivin being kicked in the testicles)

B: My testicles!

P: IF YOU GIVE ANY NUMERICAL RATING TO THESE MOVIES YOU WATCH, PSYCHO HAD BETTER GET A PERFECT SCORE!

B: Uhhh...

P: I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A RATING SYSTEM BASED AROUND THE MOVIE SPHERE!

B: I was going to go with a Jurassic Park scale, where Jurassic Park- being the perfect movie is represented by one Jurassic Park. All other movies will be graded based on their worth compared to Jurassic Park, so the Godfather gets like .97 Jurassic Parks while Manos gets like .00001 Jurassic Parks.

P: THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA!

B: I'm still tweaking it. My friend Stephanie has a system based on Congo...

P: IRRELEVANT! IF YOU DON'T SEEN PSYCHO NEXT YEAR AND GIVE IT 1,000,000 SPHERES I WILL MURDER YOU IN AN IRONIC FASHION!

B: Saints preserve us! Would you calm down! That's psycho talk!

P: MWAHAHAHAHA! WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS IRONIC GIVEN OUR TOPIC OF CONVERSATION!

B: Oh! I guess it is! Hahahahaha!

P: Oh, Boivin. I'm just kidding. I would never harm you.

B: You had me worried there for second. Given your great love of Hitchcock, I was deathly afraid that you'd make good on your threats.

P: You have nothing to worry about. I was just joking.

B: Oh, Jordan. You're the best roommate ever!

Boivin's naked, bloody body was found in a Denver hotel shower, having been stabbed seventeen times. Jordan Pedersen was arrested shortly after the discovery of Boivin's tapes and is now awaiting execution via Slumdog Millionaire at the Stateville Correctional Center in Crest Hill,
Illinois.

R.I.P. Alexander W. Boivin
1987-2009
Sic transit gloria

Final verdict:
84 Congos
.92 Jurassic Parks
6,523,019 Spheres