Friday, November 27, 2009

A Decade of Dreck #12 - In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Charge Shot!!! is celebrating the end of the decade in the most masochistic way we know how - by watching and writing about the 100 worst movies of the last ten years as defined by film review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. Click here to see RT's complete list, click here for more about the Decade of Dreck project, and click here to see all of the movies we've done so far.

THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING:
A DUNGEON SIEGE POEM

'Twas Thanksgiving Eve. In the airport lay I
To catch my direct flight to BWI
I had packed my carry-on luggage with care
In hopes that I would pay no extra fares

As I sat at the gate, I exclaimed, "Oh heck!
I must watch a film for the Decade of Dreck!"
I pulled out what Netflix had shipped without fail:
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

I proceeded to watch Uwe Boll's horrid flick
And at first all I could respond with was "Ick!"
And because I had viewed this in a public place
I felt rather dirty, an awful disgrace

I hoped no others noticed the film that I'd seen,
Tried to block others' view of my laptop screen
Ashamed, embarrassed, paranoid and forlorn
Like a dirty old man sitting there watching porn.

Thus did the following two hours commence.
As the film unfolded, making absolutely no sense.
It began in the middle; its ending fell flat
And most of the plot points felt just like old hat

Starring Jason Statham of B-movie fame
As a man known as "Farmer", with no other name.
The British accent lays thick on his voice
A boomerang acts as his weapon of choice

He loses his son when attacked by the "krugg"
(these are orc-like creatures, acting as thugs)
They destroy his farm and imprison his wife
Farmer vows revenge and takes off, bent on strife

Ray Liotta plays the evil magician
Overacting the effeminate role with precision
And what should appear to my sleep-deprived eyes
But a paunchy Burt Reynolds, who leads the good guys!

Replete with these actors of the second rate
In the Name of the King is quite worthy of hate
A nonsensical plot and piss-poor dialogue
Made completing this movie rather a slog

But despite some poor edits and a director from hell
Certain scenes in this movie still work rather well
The battles are over the top and quite bold
Even though they're as if written by a twelve year old.

We have medieval ninjas careening off trees
Half-nude wood nymphs swing on vines with great ease
Exploding monsters of flame launched from a trebuchet
Fight scenes so silly, you'll be shouting "Hooray!"

This Dungeon Siege Tale will win no awards
But the viewer will certainly never be bored
Yes, the actors are hams and the plot is a mess
Why Boll cut forty minutes is anyone's guess

But it's just so campy that it deserves to be seen
This belongs on Syfy or late-night TV
Did I like it? I don't think that anyone could
But this movie is almost so bad that it's good

So before I knew it, the film was complete
And I boarded my plane to go home and eat
But I thought to myself, ere I flew out of sight
"That movie sucked, but those were some awesome fights."

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is ranked #49 on the Rotten Tomatoes Worst 100 list with 4% freshness. Its RT page can be found here.