Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Decade of Dreck #13: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

Superbabies_baby_geniuses2 Charge Shot!!! is celebrating the end of the decade in the most masochistic way we know how - by watching and writing about the 100 worst movies of the last ten years as defined by film review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. Click here to see RT's complete list, click here for more about the Decade of Dreck project, and click here to see all of the movies we've done so far.

I have… no words.

I walked into this Decade of Dreck thing with my eyes open. I saw the list. I didn’t expect any of these to be worth the time it would take to watch them or to write about them. I just thought I’d watch some bad movies, I’d crack some jokes at Matthew Perry’s expense, and then I’d call it a day, our readers at least mildly entertained.

Superbabies was the first movie that made me question our wisdom in doing this.

How to sum this bullshit up? Well, the premise of the first Baby Geniuses (which I have also seen) is that babies have innate knowledge of the secrets of the universe, but they can’t talk to adults, only each other. This knowledge is lost when the babies get old enough “cross over.” Some people suspect this (somehow?) and want to translate the baby speech to exploit their knowledge. It was a pretty thinly-veiled excuse to use computers to make babies look like they were talking – even in the first movie, which was slightly better-received than this one, it was clear that the premise of Talking Babies worked better in a thirty-second advertisement than for a ninety-minute feature film.

All of this is sort of shoved out of the way for Superbabies, which primarily focuses on a legendary baby named Kahuna who drank some sciencey shit that stunted his growth – he’s a baby, but he’s like seventy years old. Also there are some other babies. They’re not important. Kahuna could have done everything without them. They’re so unimportant that the babies on the cover of the DVD and in all the promotional posters are not even the same fucking babies that appear in the film. The most remarkable thing about these supporting babies is that one of them has a dad played by Scott Baio. This movie should be called Scott Baio is 42… and in a Shitty Movie.

Anyway, Kahuna lives to thwart the schemes of the evil Bill Biscane (an embarrassed and embarrassing Jon Voight, looking as much like someone’s grandma as ever). Biscane wants to take control of the world by making them watch a TV show with a guy dressed as a frog in it, and since the frog’s pants look like the Matrix it will totally work, except Kahuna foils his plans. The end. The only other plotline of consequence involves jailbait trying to woo other jailbait. I guess that’s the kind of stuff that sells tickets?

Everything in Superbabies is done poorly. Everything. There’s some truly abominable CG and stunt work, and as I mentioned before virtually every character except Kahuna is ultimately inconsequential. How this thing was made is a mystery, how it avoided going direct-to-DVD is a mystery on par with Stonehenge. There’s nothing else to say about it.

filmlist.superbabies Finally, any movie with this many babies in it instantly brings to mind images of awful, overbearing stage parents who would do anything to see their scion on any screen, anywhere, no matter what they have to do to get there. For you, gentle babies, I can only hope that by the time you turn 18 any of the money you were paid is still waiting for you somewhere.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is ranked #6 on the Rotten Tomatoes Worst 100 list with 0% freshness. Its RT page can be found here.