Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Decade of Dreck #15: College

Charge Shot!!! is celebrating the end of the decade in the most masochistic way we know how - by watching and writing about the 100 worst movies of the last ten years as defined by film review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. Click here to see RT's complete list, click here for more about the Decade of Dreck project, and click here to see all of the movies we've done so far

A man in his late twenties sits at a table in the kitchenette of his tiny apartment in Echo Park, a neighborhood of Los Angeles. He's nervous and smoking. He jumps slightly as his roommate enters, clad in a leather jacket and the sort of Oakley sunglasses that never look quite as cool as they did in
The Matrix. The roommate, all swagger and no self-awareness, slams the door and whips off his shades.

ROOMMATE: I've FUCKIN' got it, bro.

SMOKER: What, what? Don't slam the door. Morty gets pissed.

ROOMMATE: FUCK that gay-ass landlord and fuck this gay-ass shit-dick apartment. I've got a plan that will have us in the Hollywood hills by the end of the year.

SMOKER: Why is everything "gay-ass," Dan?

DAN: Just shut up, queer, and listen to my plan. So I just saw this movie Superbad, right? TOTALLY fuckin' gay. Like that Arrested Development guy and the "ask me about my wiener" guy from Accepted? Totally wanna fuck each other. So -

SMOKER: Why are you telling me this? You just talk about how gay stuff is, I don't even know why I'm listening...

DAN: Just shut the FUCK UP and lemme finish. So I see this movie, and it's about these two dorks and this other guy named McLovin, and they're trying to get booze for this huge party. But they take like TWO HOURS to get the booze, and I'm like, "Where's the party? WHERE'S THE TITS?" I got tits like halfway into American Pie, and there's like NO TITS in this thing. Even you've gotta think that's gay, right, Ellison?

ELLISON: Can you just stop saying gay? You're like a little kid.

DAN (continuing as if he hasn't heard Ellison): So I was thinking. My dad says this movie's gonna make like HUGE fuckin' money. And this movie has like NO TITS in it. It's funny, yeah, but NO TITS. So if this movie's gonna make a shitload of money with no tits, how much money would it make with a SHITLOAD OF TITS?

ELLISON: A shitload of tits? Did you just say that, right now?

DAN: A SHITLOAD OF TITS MEANS A SHITLOAD OF MONEY, GAYWAD. So let's write our own movie with, like, a fat kid, and a nerdy kid, and another nerdy kid. And we'll cut out all that gay shit before the party and just have like twenty minutes of tits and dudes doing shots! How could this not be money, dude?

ELLISON: This is just such a horrible idea. Are you gonna pay for this? With all that fat Mothman Prophecies cash you've been talking about? Or maybe the grand you got playing "Jazz Club Musician" in Spider-Man 3?

DAN: Fuck that, dude. I'll just ask my DAD1. He always said he'd start giving me cash if I came up with a great movie idea.

ELLISON: Which he wouldn't give you for the rent? So while you're shooting your one scene for Crank, I've been getting coffee for the producer of Wicker Park to pay for this shitty apartment? I can't believe my dad said it'd be a good idea to room with you. "His father's in the industry, Adam. He'll make stuff happen for you."

DAN: This IS happening, dude. I already wrote a script for it. (Hands notepad to Adam).

ADAM: This isn't a script. This is just a piece of paper that says "boobs, shots, midgets" and then has a check mark after each one.

DAN: Just trust me, bro. It's gonna be like Superbad, Eurotrip, Roadtrip, and Animal House, but just the partying parts. And with more tits.

ADAM: What're we gonna call it?

DAN: College. You in or what?

ADAM: (Chuckles) If you can get someone to direct it, bankroll it, and star in it, what the hell: I'll help you write it. Maybe I can pay off some of my student loans.

DAN: That's my English major bitch (Grabs Adam and starts giving him a noogie).

ADAM: The only person I hate more than myself is you.

1I made up the bit about co-writer Dan Callahan's father bankrolling the film. I just couldn't think that any force other than nepotism could give birth to an abomination as unholy as College.

College is ranked #71 on the Rotten Tomatoes Worst 100 list with 5% freshness. Its RT page can be found here.