Sunday, January 3, 2010

Racquetball for the Wii? Sign Me Up! No, Wait. Don’t.

It's Neo! I love me some racquetball.  Plenty of people think squash is the superior racquet sport (and then there’s that other one), but I disagree.  I enjoy racquetball’s fast pace, the satisfying thwap! of a well-struck shot, and the opportunity to completely piss your opponent off with middling ceiling and drop shots.  Oh yeah, and the constant threat of getting hit in the face.

So why wouldn’t I be excited about the announcement of a USA Racquetball-licensed game for the Nintendo Wii?  Everybody loves Wii Sports, right?  And sports games without the licensed likeness of professional athletes usually fail (no matter how awesome the bloodshed).  This seems like a recipe for delicious fun.  Unfortunately, after some careful scrutiny, it begins to look more like a recipe for the Bacon Explosion than some Car Bomb Cupcakes.

Fact: The developer, Graffiti Entertainment, has a resume.  Another fact: it’s not a very good resume.  The Shepherd’s Crossing series is a hybrid/clone of Animal Crossing and Harvest MoonAir Conflicts sounds like the winning entry in a Most Generic Name competition.  And what the hell is Jakers!

If anything is going to save this abomination, it will be the ringing endorsement of the current No. 1-ranked racquetball player in America, Kane Waselenchuk.  He is No. 1 over the last three years.  He’s 76-0.  Dude’s name is Kane.  He should be able (pun intended) to set this thing on the right track.

I also have a million questions as to how the game would control, how the camera would work, and whether or not they’d be able to capture the stinky terrarium feel of a real racquetball court.  Probably not.  Thankfully, this will be probably be the last time I’ll ever hear of or have to think about Graffiti’s venture into the world of racquetball.