Thursday, April 22, 2010

NFL Draft 2010: Tokyo Draft

7:20 pm: And it's time for the 2010 NFL Draft. This year the league decided to make it a primetime event, so one decidedly boring day has suddenly become three more boring days. I am not much of a Mock Drafter: I like to hope everyone will go in the First Round so no one's feelings get hurt! I am told that this is not possible. Still, I will provide my honest account of everything that happens in Radio City Music Hall tonight in excruciating detail.

7:22 pm: Sam Bradford (QB/University of Oklahoma has no defensive perception according to Jon Gruden, but he does have laser eyes according to ESPN's Visionator 5000. It will not be long before sideline commentators are projected into the studio via hologram.

7:23 pm: If you're new to this, several older guys will sit on one side of a table and nitpick the performance of extremely talented people and look at graphics until the Commissioner announces in the next pick. This should only briefly disturb their commentary.

7:26 pm: The Rams have the first pick of the Draft, which means they were the worst team in the league last season. I'm not sure, but I think they will be pretty close to the worst team in the league this season. I think they like to go first. Spagnuolo will want someone on the team for the other guys to look up to until he gets a good deal somewhere else.

7:29 pm: "Empire State of Mind" is cued up, we're ready to start the start of the start of the Draft.

7:32 pm: Commissioner Roger Goodell has taken the podium. The fans in the audience have mixed feelings about his performance on and off the field. They have more mixed feelings about prolonging the draft over three days.

7:33 pm: "Thanks for making our game very special." No thank you!

7:35 pm: You can hear Roethlisberger screaming "ATTACCA" at him from the mezzanine and also doing something unfortunate with his hat backwards.

7:36 pm: Sam Bradford is on the phone. This means he is being picked or is very busy.

7:37 pm: Bradford is pick number one. This is perhaps a mixed blessing for everyone, especially Bradford.

7:41 pm: As a Giants fan, I am hoping to see Rolando McClain last until the 15th pick. If he doesn't, it's a good thing because he looks like Plaxico Burress, and we all know how that went (sub-par).

7:43 pm: The Lions increased their productivity last season by infinity percent after winning two games instead of zero. They have picked Ndamukong Suh (DT/Nebraska) to improve to a less horrible record.

7:46 pm: I really like the combination of a baseball hat and several thousand dollar suit that these guys have to pull off.

7:48 pm: Holy shit, Coors Light is making something called Home Draft that looks like boxed wine. Count me in.

7:49 pm: Bono is preaching about the World Cup. Now I'm not going to watch it more.

7:50 pm: Jon Gruden does not like to reflect on the fact that his former Buccaneers are third pick. But he does like to suggest what they could conceivably potentially do maybe possibly.

7:52 pm: Gerald McCoy (DT/Oklahoma) has been chosen. 'Electrifying/Explosive' count: I

7:57 pm: The Redskins are have decided to skip rebuilding entirely by grabbing Donovan McNabb from the Eagles and head coach Mike Shanahan from the pits of hell. They have picked up Trent Williams (OT/Oklahoma) to a rather mixed reaction. You know what would have been really courageous? Picking a Native American. But they're too scared of how that might look...

8:00 pm: Trent Williams has a camo jersey, for when he plays football in the fucking desert.

8:03 pm: The Chiefs have the ability to make the Redskins look like dicks now, what with their slightly less racist name. Take one for the history guys.

8:07 pm: Eric Berry (S/Tennessee) does not look Native American. I am disappoint.

8:13 pm: I wonder why some teams use a landline and others use cell phones to contact the players they're going to pick. Both are weird to see on television. Why not just send like an intern or a surrogate or something?

8:14 pm: 'Electifying/Explosive' count: II

8:15 pm: Seahawks have taken Russell Okung (OT/Oklahoma State). He is stuck on the phone. It must be important.

8:17 pm: Spiller, Morgan, Haden, McClain, Tebow and Clausen are still available. The Browns feel like the prettiest girl at the prom.

8:19 pm: Now you too can own a draft hat. For when you never ever get picked in the draft.

8:20 pm: ESPN has a slidy touch TV thing like CNN. They never quite work like they're supposed to and distract more than inform the viewer. I guess they've done their job.

8:22 pm: If you're bored, pretend every time that the commentators say "Safety" they just farted.

8:23 pm: Joe Haden (CB/Florida) has been chosen by the Browns. Kirsten astutely pointed out that his tears look like Beyonce's in the video for "B'Day"

8:26 pm: Security just tightened around the stage as the Raiders are on the clock.

8:28 pm: "Jamarcus Russell Experiment" - Steve Young. Sounds like a pretty good band name.

8:29 pm: Rolando McClain (LB/Alabama) has fallen to the Raiders. Shit. He looks like Plaxico Burress.

8:31 pm: Bills have very quickly picked CJ Spiller(RB/Clemson). Silver medal or betting chip, maybe. It's not as though the Bills couldn't use him. I'm hoping Giants GM Jerry Reese has some big contingency plans.

8:36 pm: Jacksonville's on the clock. Quarterbacks are apparently not a hot commodity this year. Picking Tyson Alualu (DT/California) confirms the trend. Jaguars fans are not happy.

8:46 pm: 49ers have the 11th pick after trading with Denver. They have taken Anthony Davis (OT/Rutgers). He is good at neutralizing. According to ESPN, the Broncos covet other players that are still on the board, which I thought was a commandment, but they're just trying to win a motherfucking game here.

8:48 pm: My cat Dexter got a sticker caught on his tongue and he is freaking the shit out over here.

8:49 pm: San Diego Chargers have taken Ryan Matthews (RB/Fresno State). He will be 10 times as good as LaDanian Tomlinson. Mark my words.

8:51 pm: The player profile vignettes always show the guys carrying two footballs. I hope they know the game isn't played like that or they are going to be in deep trouble.

8:52 pm: Trades are happening; no one knows what the hell is going on. They probably do but I don't want to type it out.

8:53 pm: Fuck the Eagles.

8:56 pm: Eagles fans are booing instinctively. Brandon Graham (OLB/Michigan) just found out he was chosen. Welcome to my shitlist, Brandon.

9:01 pm: Seahawks are back on the clock. They might as well get 2011's 1st round draft pick done while everyone's here.


9:05 pm: Seahawks have taken Earl Thomas (S/Texas). His mom is adorable. What if they accidentally assembled and played a blooper reel instead of a highlights reel? How crazy would that be?

9:07 pm: NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS ON THE CLOCK. Big Money. No Whammies.

9:10 pm: The Giants started out great last season but then had a meltdown. Wha hapa? This guy hapa.

9:12 pm: Looks like they're picking Jason Pierre-Paul (DE/South Florida). Is he in a strip club? Not sure why we need him exactly. Guess they're hedging their bets against Osi or Kiwanuka quitting on them in 2011. Maybe Osi's out of here quicker than they let on.

9:18 pm: Jane Seymour's pimping her Double-Butts jewelry to the wrong demo.

9:20 pm: Titans have picked up Derrick Morgan (DE/Georgia Tech). He received about the least emotional reaction one could expect, somewhere between a golf clap and the congratulations one gets for finishing an oral presentation.

9:23 pm: 49ers are on the clock again. Can't believe Brett Farve is still available. Mike Iupati (OG/Idaho) is the kind of guy that has his own armchair at home.

9:28 pm: Steelers have selected that girl from the bar for the 18th pick. Awwwwkward. Just kidding. They picked Maurkice Pouncey (C/Florida) who has tattoo sleeves so the "bad boy" narratives pretty much write themselves. Just what the Steelers need! Controversy! 'Electrifying/Explosive' count: III

9:31 pm: Fatlanta Falcons fans, upon hearing that Sean Weatherspoon (OLB/Missouri) was their 19th pick, collectively made the noise you make when you catch yourself saying hello to someone you thought you recognized.

9:36 pm: Houston Texans select Kareem Jackson (CB/Alabama). Everyone's just defeated at this point.

10:07 pm: Tim Tebow just went to the Broncos who waited until their 20th pick in the first round to grab him. We are getting a lot of footage of him hugging people. It's time like this I just thank God he wasn't aborted.

10:10 pm: Cardinals up next with the 26th pick. They are also picking Tim Tebow.

10:14 pm: After giving him the most face time of any player in the draft by about 4 orders of magnitude, the commentators have complained that he is "over-analyzed." This is true. But how true is it? Let's get back to that question after this!

10:17 pm: Cardinals select Dan Williams (DT/Tennessee) because they really need to win that tug-o-war match during the Apache Relay at the end of the summer.

10:24 pm: Devin McCourty (CB/Rutgers) is going to the Patriots. Fuck the Patriots. Meet Brandon Graham, Devin.

10:34 pm: New York Jets lost their draft pick in a coin flip but we all know how much Rex Ryan loves to make bets. And eat! Oh he had surgery.

10:36 pm: Jets just picked Kyle Wilson (CB/Boise State), they have received an 'A' in the DraftCast online poll which is good enough for me.

10:43 pm: Steve Young is pulling a Rocky VI right now and setting up a QB battle between himself and Jimmy Clausen. Everyone is a little upset.

10:53 pm: "No one has more sacks than Jerry Hughes" (OLB/TCU), the Colts pick in round 31. As good a reason as any to pick him, I suppose. Gives new meaning to the phrase "ball control."

10:56 pm: Who dat up now? Glad I can use that before it gets old. I'm realizing now I missed about a half hour in the 'Electrifying/Explosive' watch. I'm guessing the count's up to about X or XII now.

11:03 pm: Drew Brees is at the podium. He is on the cover of Madden 2011. That's it for him. He selected Patrick Robinson (CB/Florida State) much to a confusion of every single person in Radio City Music Hall. Robinson seems pretty electrisplosive to me and Gruden agrees.

11:05 pm: Well that's the end of the first round. I hope that this account is edifying for football and non-football fans alike. I know I learned a lot.