Thursday, April 15, 2010

Other Things That Should Be Doubled Down

kfc-doubledown4The reviews are in for KFC’s Double Down sandwich! Why, just yesterday our own Rob Kunzig had the following to say about the new delicacy:

“…KFC’s Double Down, a bacon-and-cheese sandwich that substitutes chicken patties for bread, takes it to a whole new level.” – Rob Kunzig, Charge Shot!!!

That’s some high praise! And surely, this is just the beginning. I predict a future where the phrase “double down” becomes so ubiquitous that, like Kleenex or Band-Aid, it completely replaces the word “food” in our vernacular.

I don’t expect this to happen overnight, of course, but I intend to do what I can to speed the process along. To that end, I’ve devised a number of modest proposals to help bridge the gap between the bland, carb-laden present and the exciting, unencumbered-by-bread future.

The Burger

The Double Down spits in the face of bread and its adherents – it says, quite firmly, I don’t need a bun, why should you? Naturally, the first things to be emancipated by the Double Down Doctrine are other members of its genus.

Imagine, if you will, a McDonald’s Big Mac: Two small, grey beef patties sandwiched in between three bun halves, cheese, special sauce, and an assortment of “vegetables” (or maybe you remember the completely un-memorable jingle). Remove the buns. Replace with quarter-pound beef patties. Friends, I present to you the Double Down Big Mac.

Pankin informs me that something approaching this formula is already in use at the West Coast version of Sonic Burger, but the Five-by-Five is disqualified for its insistence on using a bun. So tied down by sandwich convention! I would, however, accept a sandwich in which a beef patty was sandwiched in between two McChicken patties – basically a Double Down with more meat. I believe that such a sandwich would actually approach the scientifically established Sanders Maximum Meat Threshold.

The Pizza

Double Down-ing most things is as simple as removing bread from American fast food staples and replacing it with meat. The pizza is our next target, and it’s an easy one.

Pizza dough can be supplanted entirely by giant globs of ground beef, which can be formed into a large disc. On top of this, apply tomato sauce, cheese, pineapple, anchovies, and other ingredients as desired and bake it up! Sound tasty? Just wait until you try the dessert pizza!

Ethnic Cuisine

Now that we’ve covered the good old ‘Merican staples, let’s spread the fun to other countries!

We all like ordering out Chinese, right? It’d be pretty easy to replace the rice in any given Chinese carry-out with an additional bucket of meat, so that’s probably the way to go there. Fortune cookies can just be chicken nuggets with little slips of paper embedded inside. On one side, there’s an insightful message about life, and on the other side you can learn how to say “cardiac arrest” in Chinese!

We can be a bit more creative with Indian food. Generally, these dishes involve cut up meat served in sauce of varying spiciness, along with some rice and a basket of naan. Job one is replacing that basket of bread with a bowl full of steaks. Replace the rice with a second meat, just like with the Chinese food, and replace the sauce with gravy. I always thought curry and stuff was a little too ethnic anyway, didn’t you?

The Grocery Store

Now that Double Downs have invaded all of your favorite restaurants, it’s time for them to invade your home.

The bread aisle? Completely obliterated. Sara Lee would start selling meatloaf, sliced conveniently for use in lunch sandwiches. Buns would of course be replaced by fried chicken breasts, following the precedent set by the original Double Down.

The cereal aisle is our next target. Most cereal could be replaced by boxes of various jerky – beef, turkey, deer, take your pick – which you would then pour in a bowl. Apply milk and enjoy as part of a balanced breakfast! Varieties with little dried marshmallows will also have to be sold. You know, for the kids. If you’d like to get a taste of what the Doubled Down Future will be like, I’d recommend chopping up a bunch of Slim Jims and eating them from a bowl with milk and strawberries instead of boring old Cheerios.

I think that’s a good start. How would you Double Down your favorite foods? Tell us in the comments, okay?!