Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Fist-Pump Gazette #2: "I Love You So F*cking Much, And That's My Downfall"

*Previously on Jersey Shore:

PREMISE: We're in Florida this season instead of Jersey, bitches!

B-STORY: Angelina was there! "I thought I saw a ghost" -Pauly D. Catfights to come.

A-STORY: Sammi and Ronnie used to be in a relationship... and now they have to live together!
They announced they were "done" at the Reunion show, but no one seems to know why, and it's not clear whether they are still pining for each other.
(Either Sammi and Ronnie decided to start producing their own show and wrote themselves what will clearly be a break-up-make-up storyline. Or maybe they were just following the storylines composed by the producers - but pretended it was their own decision all along.)
Beautiful juxtaposition of a shot of Sammi falling asleep, alone, her sunglasses still perched atop her head, with a newly-single Ronnie engaging in a triple-kiss. Again, the description is best left to Pauly D: "I love Single Ronnie!"

Here's the episode where we actually get to see what goes on day-to-day at the "Jersey Shore takes Miami" experience. In Season 1, everyone's presence at the house, with free room and board, was explained through each of them having a job at a T-shirt shop on the boardwalk. It wasn't that anyone took it all that seriously, but it served as a condition of the show - if you want to stay in this sweet house, having sweet free parties every night, and having to deal with MTV cameras every minute of your life, you have to work in this T-Shirt shop during the day. Part of the "reason" Angelina "chose" to leave the show was that she got "fired" by the T-Shirt store boss (read: Executive VP Production at MTV) for "refusing" to go to work.

Are they going to have a similar condition for Season 2? Or has the network stopped trying to provide any further explanation for the show happening, beyond the facts that we love to watch it and they love to profit from it?

But wait! Last night's party still isn't over! Remember that in real life, a week has passed since the last show. But for the folks on the Shore, we pick up right where we left off.

In the interest of advancing the A-Story, Ronnie decided to drunkenly pass out in Sammi's bed. He subsequently proclaimed his love for her. Then he tried to pass it off as if he didn't remember anything in the morning. Will she buy it? Will she care?

This brings up a procedural issue: how can Ronnie deny what went on last night when every minute of it was captured on camera? She'll obviously find out after the show aired. And what's more, she'll find out that he was hiding it from her.

Before we can really think about that stuff, Snooki provides some comic relief, clumsily ruining tonight's dinner. In other news, the bathroom door is totally see-thru, and Season 2 is about to become a peep-show.

In B-Story news, Angelina talks on the phone all the time, and everyone still hates her. Snooki gives us a lesson in Virtue Ethics by confronting Angelina about "talking sh*t" about her friends behind her back. And JWOWW delivers a threat of her own: "You stay, you get your f*cking ass beat!" I hope Angelina's attorney didn't let her sign any kind of release, because this could get ugly. Girls tend to get hurt on this show.

Ronnie's mission to "deny, deny, deny" hits a snag when all the other guys gossip about him to all the other girls. Later in the show, Ronnie attempts a full-steam make-up conversation and delivers the title line of this week's Gazette. His big finish is some pretty sage advice: "If we f*cking love each other, then we f*cking love each other, and that's it. You work on your f*cking problems, and you f*cking grow from it. If you can't f*cking grow from it, then we can't be together." Sage advice that sounded like it came from the mouth of a sailor... but sage advice nonetheless.

But before you have a chance to hate yourself for actually getting into the story of these goofballs, everyone's off to work. In a gelato shop! So there's that question answered. They must have pretty flexible hours. Cuz they're still gonna party all the time. How else could Angelina get so drunk that she pushes Pauly D over the edge?

A huge surprise, I know, cast members of an MTV reality show getting drunk and hating each other. There's just something about this Angelina - whatever she does, she immediately gets on everyone's bad side. How much of that is her personality and how much is her character she's created for the show is unclear. And it's also unclear how much is on purpose and how much is unintentional. (Or at least it's unclear to me. Willing suspension of disbelief, I guess.)

The episode ends with Pauly declaring that his friendship with Angelina is history. She'd best watch her back in the episodes to come!

I wanted to find something to put here that ties all my observations together. Something meaningful about what went on this week, and how it relates to the big picture of Jersey Shore, and how that in turn relates to the Big Picture in general.

But there's nothing. Looking back on it, there's absolutely no reason to like this show. And by that I mean, no reasoning behind the fact that I do like it. And just as little reason in the fact that I can't turn away...