Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Fist-Pump Gazette #5: "If they end up back together, she looks like the dumbest b!*&#"

Well, hey, here I am still watching the "Jersey Shore" and here we go with the same drawn-out, going-nowhere storylines that haven't changed since Day 1. But it's a brand new week, anything is possible, and I'm confident that all the twists and turns will end this episode with a shocking revelation and decisive action.

So let me tell you straight up: Sammi finds the anonymous letter left for her by Nicole and Jenni detailing all Ron's previous infidelities. I've never gone through middle school as a teenage girl, but after typing the previous sentence, I'm pretty sure I now have at least some insight into how it feels.

Sam confronts Ron, they fight, and she ends up dumping him. Point for the good guys! But then when she asks both Jenni and Nicole, point blank, whether they were responsible for the note, they adopt Ronnie's strategy from previous episodes: "deny, deny, deny." Point for the bad guys.

That's basically the plot. Read on for further analysis and predictions

"I'm no saint: If I walked through church right now, I'd probably burst into flames."

Well, at least Ron admits that he's made mistakes. Then he apologizes and promises to change. Then he delivers an ultimatum to Sammi: immediately accept his apology and commit to their "relationship" on the spot. When she doesn't, Ron blurts out "I get to the point where I can't keep arguing and fighting with you" (completely losing sight of the fact that it was his behavior and nothing else that caused 100% of the fights they have). The best part is he somehow manipulates Sammi into thinking that she was to blame. For "stringing him along," or something asinine like that.

That's pretty much a complete psychological profile of Ronnie. With everyone else in the house taking her side, Sammi can hopefully stay strong, be rid of Ronnie forever, and we can all start liking the show again. Jenni puts it best in the line that became the title of this week's Gazette.

"We just don't want to deal with that drama.... that we've caused."

But wait - before we leap headlong into the fun, carefree, reduced-drama lifestyle that made "Jersey Shore" famous, we have to overcome one more hurdle: potential blow-up between the girls. Given so many outs and chances to come clean, Snooks and JWOWW still will not confess to writing the note. It's obvious that Sam will find out (I mean, we all knew it would happen eventually, even before seeing the preview of next week's episode).

So here's what we can expect when this goes down: harsh words will be exchanged, punches may be thrown, hair may be pulled... and Ron will probably capitalize on Sammi's emotionally distressed/physically wounded state to trick her into getting back together with him. In fact [SPOILER ALERT], since they've already wrapped production on Season 3, I'm pretty sure they do get back together, one way or another.

Oh, well, no matter what I think of it, the ratings have spoken.

"Don't even hit the treadmill; hit the elliptical, it's better for you."

In the wake of Situation's big fight with Angelina about cleaning the kitchen (during which he spouted the above line, and after which they immediately kissed and made up), I did some research into the poster boy for GTL. Did you know that Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino will make upwards of $5 million in 2010? And could net upwards of twice that in 2011? The actions of someone that rich must be worth noting. So here's a couple of fun fun facts about the Situation:

* He's a very good cook. Somehow in this episode he managed to cook a full dinner without anyone getting it all over the floor. I wasn't there, but it sure looked delicious.

* He's a smooth talker. Earlier in the episode, he successfully managed a situation where there were four girls for only three guys. He let "the hippopotamus" down easy, and everyone had a good night. It never ceases to amaze me what they'll air out of the 10pm time slot...

* He gets a percentage of every "Jersey Shore" related product sold. He painstakingly cultivates his image... and not just at the gym! He never says anything morally suspect in public and he's probably the only cast member yet to be arrested. He and his manager, Mike Petolino of Gotham Entertainment, have built an incredibly relatable and successful brand.

So, kudos to you, Situation. Hopefully you'll emerge from this sordid Sammi and Ronnie affair as a stronger leader take your beloved cast/family to new heights!