Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Fist-Pump Gazette #6 and #7: BONUS DOUBLE ISSUE

Suffice it to say, the consciousness-expansion I experienced at Burning Man did in fact impact my values to the extent that I find it karmically questionable to chronicle the misadventures of eight irresponsible drunks gallivanting around the streets of Miami for no substantive reason, even if they comprise the cast of the most popular reality show of the season. But as I'm currently laid up with a sprained ankle and there doesn't seem to be anything better for me to do, I present to you the first ever Fist-Pump Gazette BONUS DOUBLE ISSUE!

Gah, everyone's still on about that note and who wrote it and what it said. The storyline has definitely been over-exploited, but I will say that The Situation's take on it is kind of interesting. He cautions Sammi to break things off because Ronnie's behavior was making her look stupid. While he didn't mention anything about feelings - either hers or his - appealing to Sammi's sense of how others perceive her might not be a bad strategy to actually inspire some action on her part.

Things finally come to a head when Snooki wants to tell Sam about the letter. But when it's rug-cutting time, she gets peer-pressured into not coming clean. I feel like this whole note drama is becoming like the trope in a long-running scripted show when the two popular characters who have big crushes on each other never get together for fear of ruining a successful dynamic. Only in this case, the dynamic is as frustrating as it is morally suspect.

I feel like I want the girls to come clean, because it's the right thing to do. But then I begin to wonder what would even happen on the show without this conflict. It seems like there are two distinct "Jersey Shores" within the same show. There's the one relationship trouble plotline, which takes care of all the drama and the human elements. There's lies, ostensible concern for their friend's well-being.

And the rest of the show constitutes one big sex-romp. Such as when Snooki hooks up with Vinnie and comments on his impressive size. ("It's like putting a watermelon into like a pinhole.") Or when Mike brings a girl home, does his thing, then abruptly kicks her out. Or when Vinnie sets his sights on Mike's sister Melissa, "The Little Situation." Then Pauly gets extra drunk and makes out with Angelina in the cab home. And that's just the first episode!

And, wow, am I glad I have another one to watch immediately afterwards, because it looks like Jenni's fight (actual fist fight this time) with Sammi is just about to get good. Everything developed so fast, I didn't even understand how it started. Apparently Vinnie had a problem with Angelina, brought it up with Jenni, who started some argument, with which Sammi got involved. Then after a straight barrage of pushes, punches, hair-pulls, and thrown kitchen appliances, Jenni and Snooki finally feel some regret for not coming clean.

What made Jenni snap so vehemently? I'm guessing it's some latent guilt for a) not coming clean to Sam about Ronnie and then b) lying to her repeatedly about the note. Why does Vinnie all of a sudden have such a problem with Angelina's phoniness? I guess because he's "the only one picking up the pattern of how shady this girl is." Very astute, Vinnie.

But the real kicker is that after all this drama, all this advice from everybody, all the revealed infidelities, Sammi and Ronnie still end up sleeping in the same bed. And going on dates. And TOTALLY making my prediction come true from my last gazette. Wow, am I good. I should consider a career in reality television. Oh, wait...

Now that the girls aren't talking to each other, Vinnie and Angelina kindly step up to fulfill our drama quota. They have a shouting match, she passes judgment on the ladies he brings home, and then... they make out with each other in the taxi. I guess that's why they were so antagonistic to each other - it was just a schoolboy crush. I wonder what her hopeful suitor Jose (who bought her a Fossil watch and told her to "behave" on the phone) will think about this development. I have a feeling I'll find out next week... whether I want to or not...