Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Fist-Pump Gazette #11: "One day, there will be the pimp of all pimps, and his name will be The Situation."

Well, after 10 episodes, Angelina has officially left the show. Of course, she had mentally checked out as soon as she signed the contract to appear on Season 2, but she rode it out as far as she could possibly go, we got some good drama out of it, but now it's the end of an era. Of the seven remaining Shore house members, only Sammi appears somewhat distraught at the departure of the Staten island Dump, seeing as she's totally alienated from the other two girls in the house as a result of note-gate.

As expected, with Angelina gone, we return to the one other source of conflict that we've seen this season: the Sammi and Ronnie story, or at least its aftermath. Since Sam and Ron are back together, the only part of the saga left to focus on is the girls' side of the story, which revolves around such girly topics as betrayal of trust and being honest and straightforward with your friends. Snooki wants to kiss and make up, but Sam and JWOWW want no part of each other.

Actually, what I said before isn't exactly true: there have been other dramatic storylines throughout Season 2. Vinnie was tragically stood up by the girl of his dreams. Mike has seemingly been letting his fame and wealth get to his head. And Snooki... well, let's just say that Snooki tried to rescue one of the lobsters from the stove by putting it into a fishbowl filled with tap water.

But before we resolve all these longstanding dramatic issues, it's time to meet more of the housemates' friends/family. We started with eight main characters, but through well-placed guest appearances, we get introduced to some of the "supporting characters" in our main characters' lives. So far (off the top of my head) we've met The Situation's sister, Snooki's mom, JWOWW's boyfriend Tom, Angelina's best friend (on the episode where she left), and who could forget Vinny's Uncle Nino. And now, for the next brief hour, the Jersey Shore has eight characters again, except replace Angelina with a taller, blonder clone of Snooki.

Even with the new character, the format stays the same: the gang gets dressed up, goes out to Klutch, Tantra, or some other designer club, Snooki gets schmasted and Mike goes crazy with every girl he sees.

"It doesn't matter how hot the chick is, I'm aggressive."
- The Situation. This is why girls really like The Situation deep down. Because he talks a good game about "grenades" and "land mines," but when it comes down to his actions, he's completely indiscriminate in who he goes after. He's for equality after all. Also, he's apparently the chosen one (see the prophecy he quotes in the title of this week's Gazette).

If I were to ever meet him, I would be like, HELL NO!

Well you just did meet him. And you made out with him.
It's a shame we don't have the video to go along with that audio, but at least we got the line. You have no idea how many times I've heard people say that about The Situation, yes, even girls who were on their way to meet him. It's kind of fascinating how the show has managed to incorporate the audience's feelings about the show into the show itself.

Then later that same night, The Situation violates a code of Shore Ethics: You Do You. He decides it's time to go back home, and all of a sudden, everyone has to go home. If you don't want to go home, he'll refer to himself as "the leader of this house," and take you home by force. Such as when he grabs Snooki away from the guy she was dancing with and carries her towards the door. Snooki takes offense and now they're in a fight.

Then the next night, Vinny's girl-who-stood-him-up, Ramona, comes to the club, and Mike tries to steal her away. Guys don't generally get "in fights" with each other, but Vinny took offense nonetheless. But why don't you tell us how you really feel?

"Mike may have a secret possible obsession with me."
- Vinny, because Mike has "committed the robbery" on many of the girls Vinny has hooked up with.

"I think he was just hating that everyone was having a good time."
- Jenni

"Mike's main goal is to get girls, and when he doesn't have girls, he's a very very different person. He gets mean, and he just wants to go home and go to bed."
- Snooki, describing what sounds a lot like the symptoms of substance-dependency.

It seems like The Situation is really dealing with some issues here. He's acting out in strange ways. All his friends are noticing a change in his behavior. He and Snooki are in a fight. Maybe he's got the there's-only-two-episodes-left blues. Who knows how this - ...i'm always trying to find other words for "situation" but sometimes it's just the best option - situation will resolve itself next week.

But whatever crazy twists and turns are in store for us next episode, it's reassuring to know that some things never change:

What are we doing?

Tanning, laundry, gym.

Okay, good.